Perfect I found a love for me Darling just dive right in And follow my lead Well I found a girl beautiful and sweet I never knew you were the someone waiting for me ‘Cause we were just kids when we fell in loveNot knowing what it was I will not give you up this time But darling, just kiss me slow, your heart is all I own And in your eyes you’re holding mineBaby, I’m dancing in the dark with you between my arms Barefoot on the grass, listening to our favorite song When you said you looked a mess, I whispered underneath my breath But you heard it, darling, you look perfect tonightWell I found a woman, stronger than anyone I know She shares my dreams, I hope that someday I’ll share her home I found a love, to carry more than just my secrets To carry love, to carry…
Most people will go through life in defense mode. Afraid to step outside of their comfortable routines. Afraid of failure. Afraid of the unknown.
Longing for a fuller life… a wider impact… a deeper joy…
… but too terrified to climb outside the boat, and actually lay hold of those things.
And so —
True life will sail right past them, like a ship in the night.
A few people will change the world.
… because a few people will decide to do whatever it takes to live a full, faith-filled life. Despite what the critics have to say. Despite their own doubts. Despite their having no idea where to start. Despite the gnawing fear inside of them that keeps on saying,
… and *these* are the ones who will arrive at a fuller life. And have a wider impact. And taste a deeper joy.
The past couple of months have been full of change, and life has been extremely rough. I realize now, that alot of what has happened is directly the result of a choice that was made by me. And, my, now, ex-wife had enough. 😦
I was an idiot, and ran from facing my demons, and didn’t get rid of it. Instead, allowed shame to play a major roll in my heart, and that literally destroyed any relationship that was had by myself and my ex-wife. I hid…simply the wrong thing to do.
the first two weeks of November, was numb and in shock. No communication with my ex-wife at all. And that greatly saddens my heart, and yet, completely understand. It is my hope that her heart and sould completely heals. I pray for her and the boys everynight. I work at an auto dealer, and find myself hoping I see them drive by. My heart misses them dearly. Have worked everyday in November, except for thanksgiving, which just stayed home, binge watched netflix, played xbox and ate a turkey tv-dinner. Found myself crying many times that day, simply missing the company of my ex and the boys. As a result of working everyday, it was my best sales month ever, and am grateful for that. I worked everyday, for my sanity, could not stay home, would just get in my head and feel sad and sorry for myself, and did not want to do that.
Well, a new month is here, and hope to have a good one in sales. Everyday, I think about my ex and the boys wondering how they are doing. Do they miss me? No communication with them, and understand that. Hope and pray that we can talk once again. At least in the not so distant future. That is my hope and prayer. So, find myself facing what has held me back, and now moving forward, and moving into an area of healing that has not been allowed in my heart, by me. It has to happen, for my health and for any future successes in all aspects of life. I’m not who I was just 45 days ago. Change has literally happened, and going to come out of this strong and who I am suppose to be. I miss my ex-wife and the boys dearly. Have no clue where they are, how they are. I have come to understand that she had to be in the hospital with the oldest for a week, and had no idea, that shocked me and saddened me at the same time. That had to have been a horrible experience. Well, moving forward. Will smile, heal and learn to walk in peace once again.
The very real pain of breakups. Why
they hurt so much and what you can do about it.
suck. They usually suck more for one of the break up-ees. They can suck so bad
you don’t want to get out of bed, talk to anyone, eat. Sometimes it feels like
you physically cannot do any of these things. All you can do is sit slumped in
your bed, staring into nothing, stuck in your thoughts and weeping. Scratch
that, sobbing. Sadness, anger and anxiety stalk your days and nights.
family or friends come over. Make you food. Dress you. Drag you out of the
house unwillingly. Force conversation upon you while you quietly sob into the
glass of whatever has been put in front of you that you haven’t even noticed. Everyone
tells you it’s going to get better. You may believe them deep down. In that
moment though, it feels like you are never going to be the same again.
Everything has changed and your body is screaming this knowledge back at you.
have been there. I don’t know anyone who hasn’t. It didn’t just happen once. It
didn’t get easier the second time or the third. Why. Why if I am a grown up who
supposedly knows about this stuff, didn’t it get easier? Maybe the answer lies
in the way our brain processes breakups…
Why it hurts so much
MRI studies (read: studies using brain scanners that film activity in the brain) show that the same parts of the brain that are activated in physical pain are activated in emotional pain following breakups. Meaning that a really significant break up is processed in the brain in the similar way to a broken leg.
An example? One of the first studies (2010) to looking into this found that the same brain regions (the Insula and Anterior Cingulate Cortex) lit up in people who were shown pictures of a significant ex-partner and those who were, essentially, being burnt on their forearm (had increasing levels of heat applied!).
study backed up this idea by showing that the brain releases opioids (the
brain’s natural painkillers, usually reserved for times of physical injury)
when people feel rejected by potential suitors. This study was particularly
interesting as participants in the study were looking at people they had never
met before. They were shown a set of pictures and dating profiles of imaginary
people and asked to state the ones they liked. They were then told by the
researcher that their feelings weren’t mutual, the imaginary suitor didn’t
fancy them back. This was when the opioids were released by the brain. So, even
though participants knew it wasn’t a real rejection their brain responded to
the action with painkillers! As though they had been physically injured!
This doesn’t mean that you necessarily feel the same kind of pain as an injury. It does however mean that even the slightest rejection causes your brain to be alerted to a potential threat to your survival. A threat at the same level as physical harm. It suggests that our brain has evolved to alert us to the threat and then focus our attention on it (not letting us look away or get distracted), believing that it will keep us safe it is focuses on what it considers to be danger. Three cheers for our brains. Again, thinking they are being helpful when they are really making life kind of hellish (see my other posts for other-ways the brain thinks it’s helping us when it is in fact making us feel uncomfortable and pretty afraid).
wonder break ups therefore feel so damn bad. They aren’t just processed
emotionally. They are interpreted as a threat to our survival, meaning our
brain focuses on them, fixates on them… treats them as harm.
Do you have to go through these feelings?
one wants to feel these things. Even though we now know we are less to blame
for how terrible we feel (because it’s our brains fault), this doesn’t make the
pain that much easier. Maybe it eases some of the self criticism we engage in
but we are still left with the fall out.
Do you have to go through the awfulness? Unfortunately I would say yes, as
avoidance of any kind of emotion usually comes back to bite you on the bum.
However, there are ways to ease the pain. Firstly by understanding the process
and secondly by taking action.
The process: The 7 stages you may go through following a
break up (or following any loss)…
1: Shock – The break up has just happened. You know it has happened but you
can’t quite connect with it. it doesn’t feel real yet.
2: Denial – Not able to deal with the enormity of the situation our brain steps
in with the coping response of denial, “ Nope, it didnt happen, they will come
3: Anger (some people put anger in 4/5th place because it can come at anytime)
– The fear that stalked you through the initial stages has now subsided enough
for the anger to come out. This is healthy. Suddenly you realise that YOU
MATTER. ITS AN OUTRAGE THAT THEY FINISHED IT. HAVE THEY SEEN YOU! The best part
about this phase is that you can use this indignation to get out the house and
start rebuilding your independence.
4: Bargaining – This is a real bugger of a stage. The intolerability of the
feelings and separation mean that you suddenly remember the relationship
through rose tinted glasses. In this phase people try to bargain their way back
to what they had, either with their ex or with a higher power (e.g. promising a
higher power that they will do better if they can have the ex back). It’s
usually this stage when people decide to give it another go. Assuming it will
be different this time.
5: Depression – The sadness really sets in (this does not mean clinical
depression). Appetite changes, the tears come, you want to withdraw from the
world. This dark hole can feel like an abyss but its a good sign, you are on
the home stretch.
6: Initial acceptance – This can feel more like surrender at first. Finally
giving in to the terms of the breakup. Overtime this will change. While the
pain may still be present you can see the relationship more clearly, accepting
each person’s role in the relationship, the good and the bad.
7: Hope – THE BEST STAGE! You see a picture of your ex, you don’t feel so much
anymore. You go out with a friend and realise you are enjoying yourself (not
just tolerating it like you had been). You can feel it, YOU ARE MOVING ON.
stages are not set in stone. They are just the current conceptualisation of
grief post break up. It can’t tell you how you will respond. Also, its not
necessarily linear. People go in and out of phases and sometimes round in
circles. However, its a good start when thinking about how you are feeling and
why you might be feeling it.
when you date someone for a while you incorporate them into your sense of
identity. Following a break up you can feel confused about who you are. A
literal piece of your identity has been torn from you. So don’t be surprised if
you feel like this. Recovering will involve reconnecting with, and rebuilding
your personal identity.
What you can do to help – the traditional suggestions
Surround yourself with loved ones. You don’t have to talk or be good company. Friends and family reconnect us with ourselves. They remind us we are lovable. They cause a release of endorphins (feel good hormones), and at the moment this can only be a good thing.
If there is no-one you feel you can talk to, write it down. Journal about your emotions. Research shows significant positive effects of journaling during times of challenge. It doesn’t have to be pretty. It doesn’t even have to make sense. Start with… ‘today I felt’ or ‘when …(insert event) happened I felt’. Then just let it flow. Whatever words and thoughts come up. Write hard (or soft, however you feel) for 20 minutes. Finish it with three positive sentences to yourself. Something soothing. Something you have noticed about yourself that’s a strength. Words of encouragement. Then re-read it and tear it up. OR don’t!
Be kind to yourself. Give yourself time. Try not to set dates or timelines for your recovery. Timelines will only make you feel worse if you don’t ‘snap’ out of it in the way you hoped.
Get active. This could mean using exercise to trigger endorphins and metabolise stress hormones (see this post for more information). It could mean scheduling your day around the patterns you see arising. For example, if you know that you feel worst in the mornings, go for a walk to get out of the house when you wake up. Meet someone. If you can’t sleep, make sure you are busy during the day and keep a book or crossword next to your bed at night.
Notice self-criticism. Notice any time you blame yourself, list your shortcomings, call yourself names or recall rejections. Doing this is like taking a hammer to a broken limb. Your brain is already running on a survival response. This only activates that further. When this happens think about what you would say to your friend. Say this to yourself instead. You could even write a letter as if to a friend in this situation. Then read it.
Learn how to self soothe. See these two articles for self soothing tips: one and two.
Avoid the things that you know make you feel worse. Such as checking your ex’s social media or walking past their place repeatedly.
Set boundaries. If your ex keeps calling you or won’t go away. Assertively state that the relationship is over and you need time apart to heal.
The rebound – The less conventional route
the question we have all thought about and on some occasions we have done more
than think about – Should you get under another to get over your ex?
says no. Google this. Psychologists almost unanimously agree that this is a bad
idea. The traditional belief being that you will transfer your feelings for the
ex onto the next. Making you imagine you feel more for this new squeeze than is
real. Expectation is therefore that if you get hurt, it will be doubly bad.
fear for this is that you will use the new relationship as a form of revenge.
An action that will foster your feelings of hurt and add more negativity to the
What if i told you that research does not support this? That there is actually evidence to the contrary? Would you race out to your nearest bar, grab your dating apps?
research team that investigated this found that rapid engagement in a new
relationship did not correlate with negative outcome. Instead it lead to
increased reports of wellbeing and self-esteem. The people who engaged in
rebound relationships were not only more likely to be further along the path to
detachment from their ex, but they also felt more desirable and more sure of
their sense of identity than those who did not engage in a rebound.
However, feelings of desire for revenge were the same across both groups
(rebound did not change this!).
researchers reasoned that the positive findings could have occured due to the
rebound relationships meaning minimised disruption to social lives, less time
spent worrying about the meaning of the breakup and the link the breakup had to
their personal worth.
I don’t think the take home message from this is go find yourself a rebound. I
think the take home message is that as long as you surround yourself (from the
moment of, or shortly after, the breakup) with people who make you feel good,
remind you that you are desirable, fun and worthwhile. The ones that keep you
busy and enaged… then your self esteem will be buoyed and you will be fine (or
you will get back to fine more quickly).
For anyone living through a break up right now… I hope you are doing ok. I hope you have a good support network and people to turn to. You are going to be fine, it just sucks (understatement) right now.
Fun fact… in the long run, personal growth is commonly associated with break ups: including increased independence, healthier behaviours, more active social lives, better relationships with others. So, maybe your friends and family were right. Maybe it will be ok.
going through an emotional period or a personal crisis, I’m often advised by
well-meaning people (many of them writers themselves) to “write through it.”
It’s a common enough expression; you might have heard it yourself from someone
or from your own lips. For me, this advice has been less than helpful.
extremely personal person who tends to internalize any trauma I experience. On
paper, it would seem that I’m the type of person the saying “write through it”
was designed for. Too often I keep my hurt bottled up inside until it becomes
corrosive and I engage in self-destructive behavior. Writing can be a way of
releasing the pain before it becomes too damaging.
through my hurt causes a secondary result; this is the part that I have a problem
with and the reason why “write through it” is terrible advice for me. Writing
the pain takes the hurt and turns it into art. You may ask, “How is that a bad
thing?” Let me speak from my experience.
There are emotions that are too intense that they need to be felt. They do not need to be categorized–which is what words do–or morphed into metaphors. They need to be experienced, reconciled and dropped. Feel it. Acknowledge it. Let it go.
They do not
need to be transformed into a permanent reminder through art. That’s not to say
that pain needs to be forgotten or buried–that’s also damaging. But to hold
onto the hurt in a blog or a book or an (unpublished) journal entry is not
always conducive to healing. Sometimes the hurt is too intense that it needs to
be felt and released–not immortalized in art. Artwork (including writing)
created through pain can be a jagged blade; cutting open old wounds whenever
read or performed. How can scars heal when one is repeatedly slicing oneself
always write through my pain. I don’t give that suggestion as blanket advice.
When I’m filled with emotions that can turn sour, I allow myself to feel them,
fully, come to terms with them and then release them. They no longer serve me,
and holding on to the pain and keeping memorials of hurt does not benefit me
When I do write about intense emotional experiences, I
often rip to shreds or burn the piece afterward. This symbolic destruction of
trauma is my cleansing and healing ritual.